Free fall

I’m finally free falling with someone.

I can hear the ringing in my ears, the wind in my hair and his warm hazel eyes on me. It feels like a dream.

The last time I jumped was almost three years ago. The memories from that fall still haunt me. I remember how we stood at the ledge, talking about jumping. I remember looking at him and thinking that if I died loving him it’d be okay, it’d be worth it. I remember the feeling as my feet lifted off the ledge, my body was buzzing in exhilaration. But when I looked over my shoulder, expecting to see him falling with me, I realized he was still standing safely at the rim. My body turned cold as he looked at me with remorse, “sorry,” he strained, his words left his mouth in slow motion.“I’m not ready. Can we take this slower?”

My heart burst. I grabbed for anything to break my fall. But it was too late. At that speed, nothing could stop me.

When I finally crashed down the impact was so strong it felt like every bone in my body shattered.

But over time I put myself back together. Day by day, I learned to walk again. I told myself to be cautious. A year later, I met someone that brought me to that same ledge. While we stood together, I stared into the abyss with hesitation, remembering the pain from the last time I fell. He laughed giddily and coaxed me to jump, I mumbled quietly, ‘I don’t know… I’m scared.’ He looked back at me with an easy smile, as if he’d never fallen before. ‘C‘mon!” he shouted “Let’s go! Life is short!’ I stood back unconvinced, ‘I know’ I said, ‘I know…’

Just as he jumped he grabbed my hand and I pulled it back. I saw him lunge into mid-air and he looked back at me with the exact same look I once had. “I’m so sorry… I just can’t” I tell him.

I was so very sorry, I didn’t want to hurt him. I know how painful the crash is. But sometimes we are the blade and sometimes we are the wound. We need to feel both to understand the consequence of each. It matures us; it thickens our skin and softens out hearts. How can we know love without being destroyed by it?

Here I am, again, at the same crater rim. I’ve trekked through incredible heartbreak and unintentionally broken the heart of another. I stand with someone who has had his heart shattered too.

While we stand at the ledge, his eyes beam at me and they say, “are you ready?”

I’m ready, I’m ready to risk this for you. Before I know it, he grabs my hand and we’ve both leaned forward, together, falling.

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